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“Bedtime Starts in the Morning: Nine Ways That Getting Plenty of Sunlight Before 9 A.M. Will Set You Up for Sleep Success Tonight”
“No Caffeine, No Chocolate, and No Keanu Reeves Movies: Nine Stimulants to Eliminate by 11 A.M. If You Want a Snowball’s Chance in Hell of Meeting Mr. Sandman Tonight”
“I Fall Asleep Better Than You Do: Nine Tension-Smashing Nostril Meditations I Do at 2 P.M. So I Melt into the Sheets Like Butter Tonight While You Toss and Turn Like a Coked-Up Acrobat”
“When Do You Eat Dinner? Write It in the Comments, and I Will Tell You Why It’s Disgustingly Too Late and You Are Committing Digestive War Crimes That Are Keeping You up for Hours. (Plus, My New #SuperSleepers Webinar!)”
“Not So Fast, Gordon Ramsey: Even If You Have Dinner at 4:45 P.M. Like Me, Here Are the Only Nine Foods You Should Eat for Great Sleep, and All Nine of Them Are Plain Boiled Carrots.”
“Asking Your Wife and Kids to Stop Talking at 5:30 P.M. and Softly Scribble Their Words on Portable Whiteboards Isn’t Weird—It Actually Has These Nine Benefits for Anyone Who Wants to Tone Down the Volume and Relax into a #SuperSleep”
“Nine Sinister Ways Your Bedroom Curtains Leak Light Everywhere Unless You Glue These Nine Layers of Industrial Blackout Foam Across Your Entire Wall—Despite the Objections of Your Loving Wife, Who Isn’t Necessarily Educated About #SleepHygiene”
“Screens Off, You Fucking Animals: How Powering Down Devices at 6 P.M., Wearing Blue-Light Blockers, and Triggering an Electromagnetic-Pulse Weapon That Destroys Your Kids’ iPads Is Not at All Cruel or Insane Despite These Nine In-Laws Who Say You Have ‘Control Issues,’ but They’re Obviously Just Ignorant About the Science of #MelatoninHacking”
“Nine Tactics for When Your Wife Gets Pissed at the EMP Weapon and Shouts, ‘I Think Your Anxiety Is Causing Your Sleep Issues!’ and You Just Point to the Clock as if to Say, ‘7 P.M., Time for Bed!’—Then You Put On Your Sleep Mask, Insert Custom $300 Ear Plugs, and Begin Your Bedtime Success Visualization”
“How Your Visualization Will Be Interrupted by Visions of Nine Murderous Dump Truck Drivers Chasing You Through a Hall of Funhouse Mirrors, Shouting, “We’re Going to Drop Some Huge Garbage Cans on Your Driveway Tonight and Wake You Up!”
“Nine Ways Your Wife Will Plead with You to Start Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy While You Construct a Homemade NO DUMP TRUCKS BEFORE 7 A.M. Street Sign”
“Nine Reasons Why a Loving God Would Not Allow Me to Be Lying Here Awake, at This Unholy Hour of 8:30 P.M., Terrified That the Dump Truck Guys Will Laugh at My Sign (Plus, My Upcoming #SuperSleepers Mastermind Cohort!)"
“Finally, I’m Sleeping! Nine Soothing Dreams Where I Apologized to My Loving Wife and We Had a Great Little Chat About My Emotional Regulation and Excessive #SleepHacking”
“It Could Happen to You: I Thought I Was Sleeping and Dreaming, but I’ve Been Awake This Whole Time, Self-Administering Intravenous L-Theanine, and Hallucinating the Construction of a Beautiful and Impenetrable Underground Sleep Bunker”
“Nine Great Shovel Hacks for When You Furiously Dig In Your Yard at 10 P.M. to Construct Your #SuperSleep Bunker, and You Notice Your Wife on the Back Porch with a Concerned Look So You Shout, ‘Not Now, Honey, I’m Digging!’, and the Dirt Piles Up Around You, and Time Dissolves, and Your Tunnel Penetrates the Earth’s Crust, and You See the Inhuman Face of a Mole Man Peeking Out from His Burrow, and His Little Whiskers Twitch in a Way That Means You Are Cordially Invited to Go Live with the Mole Men in Their Dead-Quiet, Pitch-Black Kingdom of Eternal Slumber, and Oh, How You Lament Leaving This All Behind, but Bedtime Bliss Begins Now”
“Nine Super-Annoying Things the Mole Men Do, Such as Chewing Worms Loudly, and Telling You That Maybe Your Wife Is Right About Your Anxiety Issues, and You Realize, with Tears in Your Bloodshot Eyes, That Your Bedtime Routine Is Hosed, but You Can Fix It ASAP by Downloading My #SuperSleepers PDF Cheat Sheet—TOTALLY FREE (FOR NOW)!”
Our Inclusive Company Invites People with Disabilities to Apply for Jobs and Get Systematically Rejected
The State of the Union Is Pretty Good, Not Great, I Don’t Know—What Do You Wanna Hear? It’s Bad, Things Are Bad

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